Flappy Fairy Intervention

Warnings –

  • Don’t read if you love Bill. Or even Sookie for that matter.
  • Slash and blood spilling
  • Extreme vapid, vacuous, idiocy from a certain previously loved protagonist.
  • Don’t kill me after reading!



Niall waited in a tree outside Sookie’s house, awaiting the evening to give way to the night.

Suddenly, he sensed another presence. He concentrated on the newcomer and after giving them a couple of seconds to show themselves, huffed out irritably.

“Oh come on out Viking! I know you are here!”

Eric Northman, all healed and the picture of un-dead health, floated down from the air and settled on the tree branch beside Niall.

“So…Whats the great King of Fae doing here in backwaters Louisiana? And on a tree no less!”, he asked, staring straight ahead towards Sookie’s house.

“Cut it out Viking! I know you know of my connection with Sookie”

Eric smirked.

“Judging by the amount of light she has for a one-eighth fairy, the color of her light blasts, and her propensity for trouble, I have suspected. Yes.”

Niall gave the Viking a sidelong glance, “You are more smart than you are pretty then.” he sighed and turned back on his vigil of Sookie’s house.

Not that he didn’t enjoy his infrequent chats with the whimsical old fairy king, Eric was growing antsy now. He had flown straight to Sookie, to check on her and make a proposal for her to be his again. Going by the warm welcome he got when the telepath saw him a few days back, he had no doubt that Sookie would seriously consider his claim. She might say no, again, but Eric’s recent trip to true-death-gate and back had shown him he would never stop trying for Sookie to be voluntarily his. Un-life was just too long for regrets after all!

So yes, Eric wanted to see Sookie, but had deviated from his course for a moment when he saw Niall perched in the tree beside her house.

“So why are you here?” he asked again.

“Wait for it! You’ll see it soon.” Niall sighed in a very human way.

Eric noticed his tone.

“You are looking older and sadder than usual.” Eric chuckled, trying to piss Niall off enough for him to talk about his motives. He knew the fairy didn’t like being called old. Or sad. Like Eric, Niall was inherently a happy person.

“Try having to keep track of and protect your descendants for six thousand years, only to end up having left with the stupidest fairies in the history of stupid fairies as your only kin and then we’ll talk who looks old!” ranted the old timer.

That was the longest sentence the viking had heard from Niall. But if Sookie was his descendant, then in a way Eric could understand the need for that long rant from a fairy known for his short quips.

“Like I said, wait for it. It should be starting anytime now.”

Eric sat on the tree branch with Niall and looked towards the old farmhouse too. He could see Sookie’s obscure shadow moving around, from room to room. Several minutes went by and the night became darker.

Suddenly, the front door opened and out hopped Sookie dressed in an almost see-through white nightgown. Without looking in their direction, she started running towards the side of her driveway with tears flowing freely down her cheeks, her hands flapping at her sides.

“What is she doing?” Eric hissed as he floated fifty feet off his arboreal perch in the direction Sookie had taken, to have a better view. Niall joined him in the air and gestured that they were going to follow the girl.

“She is doing what she has been doing since three nights now. Having sleepovers at Bill’s” spat Niall, as he sped along with the Viking. Together they covered half the cemetary before Niall’s words reached Eric’s ears and he skidded to a stop.

Eric spun around to face Niall, fangs down, hands curled into claws, eyes dripping fury, “Sleepovers? At Bill’s? She got back with that twat?”

Niall stopped ten feet away from him and nodded, “Yes. Apparently she feels guilty for having infected him with Hep-V.”

“Bill has Hep-V? Since when?”

“Since he drank from my great-grand-daughter again, the night you returned to Bon Temps. His is progressing nice and faster then normal too.” Niall cocked an eyebrow.

“Because of her fairy blood?”


“Then why?”

“I may have jinxed him.” Niall shrugged.

Just then Sookie passed from under their hanging feet sobbing uncontrollably.

Eric zoomed ahead, hovering on top of Saint Billy’s obnoxious mansion and angrily watched Sookie run towards the monstrosity, arms still flapping.

Somehow, after getting to know that Sookie was fucking Bill again made him want to shake the blonde ball of trouble till her bones creaked and her brain started functioning again!

What the hell was wrong with her?

She had lied to him about wanting her house and her normal life back. She had lied about being sick of vampire or any supernatural business. She deigned to yield to him only when he was powerless and without his memories and right when he got his memories back, she said she loved Bill too and got the hell out of dodge! She again lied and sent him on his way when he signed that damn house back to her, jumped straight into the paws of a werewolf, someone who was not human by long shot! Then when the wolf died and she pretended to be hurt  by his death, she had directly moved on to fuck that sick motherfucker who had lied and cheated and drained her on multiple occasions. If this was the real face of Sookie Stackhouse, then he sure as hell didn’t want anything to do with her. Ever again!

He was done! Absolutely fucking done!

Niall caught up to him and turned to look at Sookie again.

Having no other words to make sense of the vortex of blind fury building up inside him, Eric growled. Loud enough for people in Bill’s mansion to hear, which they dismissed as thunder rolling in a distance.

Sookie reached the steps of the porch, climbed them on a run and banged Bill’s door.

“Whats with the arm flapping? Is it a fairy thing? And who’s playing this irritating violin? ” sneered Eric, still incapable of talking about anything worthwhile and getting sick of the fairy prince on his tail.

“It’s a one-eighth fairy thing. Full pure fairies flap their wings when they fly or run or need to speed up. There’s just muscle memory left for the part fairies, so they run like that. As for the violins, Bill plays this music on his BOSE speakers every night when Sookie runs to him!” Niall informed the viking, “But we are not here to discuss fae physiology.”

“What do you want?” Eric growled.

“I want to cash in my favor. The one you owe me!” Niall replied, “Bill is not going to die soon now, not when Sookie shares her light with him every night, depleting herself and pushing his true death away! And I know that stubborn woman is going to find a cure for him too. Just like you found one. I need you to woe her back, away from that weasel, so that she can rise above this dirt and do something worthwhile with her life!”

“Are you fucking serious?” Eric seethed, barely resisting his urge to drain Niall just for suggesting what he was suggesting, “I couldn’t woe her back to me when I actually loved her, or even liked her. She is never going to rise above this fucking hick town and make something of herself! She is going to stay, live and die here, while fucking every supe that crosses her path. She is a fucking fairy after all! Men cannot resist her if she turns on the charm. Maybe I was under her spell too. But my eyes are wide open now. I am not going back into her web.”

“Then kill Bill! Either way, she gets away from him and stops wasting her light trying to light up a black hole.” Niall said calmly, wisely foregoing rising up to his great granddaughter’s defense.

“Fuck you Niall! Why don’t you just go find another human and make some more descendants?” Eric hissed.

Before Niall had a chance to respond, Bill opened the door and started kissing the telepath on the threshhold.

“Sookehh! Sweetheart! Me and the donor have been waiting for you!”

“Donor? What donor Beehl?”

“Ah can’t drink from you but ah need blood. Lots of it!” Bill groused and made a constipated face, “I will make love to you dahling and ah can feed from the donor on the side! Ah glamored her to not notice our love making!”

“Ohh Beehl! Of course your a vampire and you need blood. How can I be so thoughtless and question the donor!”

Up in the air, Eric cocked a derisive eyebrow at Niall.

“You are young and naive Sookehh, but not thoughtless! You have given me the most magnificent gift, your body! Ah don’t dare to ask anything else of you. Ah have always loved you and always will! In my dead heart, you will ahlways be mahnn!”

Eric and Niall both rolled their eyes at Bill’s words.

“Beeehl!” Sookie sniffled and her overhead observers smelt salty tears, “I loved Eric. And I loved Alcide. I even felt something for Warlow. But they didn’t have your depth, your dark eyes, your ancient southern way of speaking! I bet no woman would ever give Eric a second glance if he went to get his hair cut by your barber! I know because Alcide tried him at Terry’s funeral and then the she-wolves of his pack were shallow bitches and no one wanted to be with him afterwards. He was ridiculed and outcast. Just like me and so we thought we should give each other a try. But you…”

Sookie sobbed loudly, “…your sad brooding eyes draw me so much, give rise to so much pity in my heart, that I don’t even think of looking at your hair. Your blood in me makes me so blissfully disconnected from my pain that I don’t feel the need of anything else in my life! Your body is the most human body I have seen in a vampire. It grows old, just like I do and I don’t feel insecure of my own wrinkles or shriveled boobs because of it! I bet Eric will never age gracefully like you!

“Sookeh!” Bill exclaimed, clearly crying too because of the raw love in Sookie’s words…

Are you fucking kidding me?!” Eric whispered to Niall, who touched his finger to his lips, as a signal for the viking to remain quite while the clusterfuck unfolded before their shocked eyes.

“You let the Rattrays beat me for my own good, so that you could feed me your heavenly blood and tie me to you. So that you could protect me when I was in danger. That’s the best thing ever happened to me and it made me immune to Eric’s wicked advances!”


“You let me save you from death when we rescued you from Mississippi by draining me, so that you could join me in my fairy retreat and be my protector there too!”


“You tried to kill Eric for me. And Pam. And Russel. And Lorena. All for me! You bombed the True Blood factories so that the vampire world could grow unstable and they killed each other in the end, all because you wanted me safe from every other vampire in the world! For a moment, Lilith’s blood did turn you away from your noble quest against the vampire race, but you came back! For me!”

“Sooookkkkkeeeehhhh! Yesssss..Its ahlways been only about you! Ahhh love youu!!”

Bill screamed and crushed the part fairy to him in a fierce hug, as he attacked her lips in ardor. Eric and Niall heard the telltale sound of ribs cracking and the scent of Sookie’s blood hit the air.

Both Eric and Niall shot downwards in alarm, just as they heard another snap and saw Bill latch mindlessly onto the neck of Sookie’s limp body and start draining her.

The two flying figures touched ground with a thud, in time to see Bill explode spectacularly in a huge burst of vampire goo, which drenched their clothes. Eric ran to Sookie but alas it was too late for her. Her neck was broken. Her spine had cracked when Bill savagely pulled her head to the side to get to her neck, killing her instantly.

Her body collapsed in vampire Bill’s smelly remains.

For two poignant seconds, the Viking vampire and the Fairy King stood frozen, trying to make sense of the train-wreck they just witnessed.

Then Eric roared!


Niall sighed. “I’ll have to think up another favor to extort from you!” he said in an emotionless voice.

Eric crossed the two steps between them and punched the fairy in his face!

“Think of two favors now asshole!” he yelled and shot up in the air, never to return to Louisiana again.




39 thoughts on “Flappy Fairy Intervention

  1. Pingback: About Maybe The Last Time… | Dream On...

  2. That’s how it would go if the writers were more crazy than stupid. That seems like some ridiculous crap Beehl and Sookie would say to each other since they are the epitome of Dumb & Dumber.


  3. Pingback: New Posts 8/6/14 | Fanfiction Minions

    • Lolz don’t even get me started how horrified I was watching them DTD again and in the same setting as S1 with almost the same violins. I had to cleanse my palate, which I must say is thoroughly cleansed now :)… Can’t wait to write more stuff…

      Glad that you could get a laugh or two out of it 🙂


  4. That was great! I get what you mean with the lack of E/S inspiration after the latest episode’s assault to the senses… I hope someone organizes a Fuckin’ Sookie competition which has nothing to do with lemons 😀


  5. Fantastic! I loved it! Now that’s an ending for which I’d gladly give a standing ovation, and you deserve one as well. (Me, still in my pj’s, raise my coffee mug to you! Now I’ll set it down & clap!) Great morning reading & a wonderfully opposing vision in my mind to Sunday’s episode.


      • I’ve no idea. I don’t know what there is below worms or potato bugs. They’re far past leeches. They went below mosquitos after Season 2… Why did Sookie even bother with the fucking nightgown? Yeah, yeah. We get the significance, Powers That Blow. Heads up, Sook’s not a virgin & none of that vamp blood has repowered her cherry! Now that red ensemble from Season 4? That’s what she should have been wearing!


      • You are right. Why bother with the white virginal gown again! It just gave the whole thing a bad taste. Life should be moving on, not going years back to the thing that ruined you! She knows it right? She knows Bill popped her cherry on false pretense? And she decided to recreate it!

        You know I couldn’t help thinking that if Bill wasn’t so damn available across the cemetery all the fucking time, their relationship wouldn’t be whatever it is. 😦 …Sookie is just lazy with her grief. Whenever the sadlies strike, she runs to the nearest available screw! When Warlow was sitting in the cemetery, she went to him instead of completing her run to Bill!

        God i really despise show Sookie now 😦


    • You are right. Why bother with the white virginal gown again! It just gave the whole thing a bad taste. Life should be moving on, not going years back to the thing that ruined you! She knows it right? She knows Bill popped her cherry on false pretense? And she decided to recreate it!

      You know I couldn’t help thinking that if Bill wasn’t so damn available across the cemetery all the fucking time, their relationship wouldn’t be whatever it is. 😦 …Sookie is just lazy with her grief. Whenever the sadlies strike, she runs to the nearest available screw! When Warlow was sitting in the cemetery, she went to him instead of completing her run to Bill!

      God i really despise show Sookie now 😦


      • No, not really. Sookie’s just too far past stupid this season to make my arthritis hurt any more today than it already does… I can’t even imagine a more stupid character in TV history, and I realize that’s a LONG time. It’s like they all stand in a room and say, “How stupid can we make her look in this episode? Go for it!”


  6. Loved this! Sookie should die with Bill ! That would be an ending worth watching!! Eric and Pam leave Lousiana to walk the world together….and the rest of BT should die of boredom!! I used to love this show but BB and his team of writers made me hate everything about TB…Take care


  7. OMG! How have I forgotten this already? It sucks getting old! The great thing is I laughed just as much as I did the first time! It’s been a rough last half of the summer. This was a great way to end it by reading this hilarious fic again! Thanks for the great guffaws!


  8. i was chuckling the whole time, and then the snap of her neck and Bill going to goo, hopefully her light finished the asshole off, loved it…. poor Eric now what is he to do without having to watch over her dumbness. ky .


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